Parenting challenge : Difficult extended family
The intent of this post is not to rant. I write this because I have observed that teaching children the values you intend to teach is truly challenging in closely knit families. Do share your experiences/comments if you feel it helps a healthy discussion
We have, what i would say a closely knit extended family. That means technically, we are not joint family, we do not tay in the same house; but every festival, birthday, special occasion is spent together. The scene where i am trying to prevent my child from doing a certain thing, and close relatives intervening to state the otherwise can be quite common during family get togethers.
For example, during a meal, my son has had good amount of sweets and fried items, and i tell him that he must now have some rice. I would have a bunch of people who would say to me right there, "oh comeon, let him eat what he wants to". I need not tell how a 5 year old can start reacting to instructions after that. This is of course just an illustrative example, and i am sure many of you would have experienced similiar situations. Please note that i am totally okay with certain concessions when visiting distant relatives, friends or people who are certainly not our "home". But with people whom we call "home", visits are frequent, and such incidences give children very different messages. At such times i have a feeling that my extended family members are on the other side of a tug-of-war rope!
I try to find my own ways out of this. One of the ways i have tried, and which has worked at least to some extent, is that i put down the rules for my son's behaviour before we leave our house. Then i remind him what he has promised me. It does not work always, but at times it does.
Fortunately there are few relatives who would co-operate raising kids, like if i tell my son to ask something with a "please" they would repeat the same thing, albeit in a softer manner.
I would definitely like to see comments on whether you have faced this issue, and your way to tackle it.
We have, what i would say a closely knit extended family. That means technically, we are not joint family, we do not tay in the same house; but every festival, birthday, special occasion is spent together. The scene where i am trying to prevent my child from doing a certain thing, and close relatives intervening to state the otherwise can be quite common during family get togethers.
For example, during a meal, my son has had good amount of sweets and fried items, and i tell him that he must now have some rice. I would have a bunch of people who would say to me right there, "oh comeon, let him eat what he wants to". I need not tell how a 5 year old can start reacting to instructions after that. This is of course just an illustrative example, and i am sure many of you would have experienced similiar situations. Please note that i am totally okay with certain concessions when visiting distant relatives, friends or people who are certainly not our "home". But with people whom we call "home", visits are frequent, and such incidences give children very different messages. At such times i have a feeling that my extended family members are on the other side of a tug-of-war rope!
I try to find my own ways out of this. One of the ways i have tried, and which has worked at least to some extent, is that i put down the rules for my son's behaviour before we leave our house. Then i remind him what he has promised me. It does not work always, but at times it does.
Fortunately there are few relatives who would co-operate raising kids, like if i tell my son to ask something with a "please" they would repeat the same thing, albeit in a softer manner.
I would definitely like to see comments on whether you have faced this issue, and your way to tackle it.
Arati....a very sensitive issue....if pointed out to the family we are sure to face all negative reactions. Like in our case u r aware that Ajoba's office is another candy shop. When kids get their daily craving for the sweet stuff they announce that they r marching off to the office downstairs. with u this might not b much of a problem now that u r away, still continue laying down the rules and as they grow up the problems will ease out on their own.....This has worked for the elder one......not sure for the younger one though.
ReplyDeleteAarti if you observe, meals will be the most argued issue where intervention from others is found troublesome by mothers - with the intervening people mostly being grandparents :)Being a sensitive area....diplomacy has to be used.....but message needs to be put across that though their love is understood....discipline negotiation should be not be an issue discussed in front of the child, "can be settled between us later"......we have followed that at our home....and my in-laws, parents...both have cooperated.....even Amits grandmother agrees to the suggestion.....i do get my share of reprimand later sometimes.....but atleast I maitain my status in front of the kids. Now the kids dont throw uncontrollable tantrums on food....since they know very well that "Not even God can help them", if I want them to eat something....so better negotiate decently with mom or the entire dish will have to be finished !!:) :)
ReplyDelete